written by Damon Jones and Bob Kirsh
& Patti Frick
Adapted for the screen by Charlie Call
30 September 1998
INT - PEEPSHOW LOBBY - NIGHT
Open on a neon sign which says "Peep Show", positioned above the entrance. The sign flickers and buzzes. The music is "In Your Wildest Dreams" by Horton Heat. Tilt down to the door as FERN enters. She stops, looks around, then advances to the ticket counter. Pan with her as she advances and we see the back of the ATTENDANT, sitting in the booth, but facing away. As she gets closer, the ATTENDANT spins around to face her and we do a FAST PUSH-IN on the ATTENDANT as he is turning and his face is revealed. Bottom lit with an off-color light, he is a scary looking guy and gives a menacing grin as the push-in concludes. Fern, startled. She hesitates, then begins to dig in her purse. Finds $2, places it on the counter. The ATTENDANT simply nods, grinning, and takes the money. Camera begins to move down the hall as he takes the money; Fern turns to her right and begins to walk down the hall, camera tracking behind her. Still nervous and apprehensive. Pauses at one door, then keeps going. Finds a door that is vacant and opens it. We cannot see inside. She peeks in. Looks around, then enters. Music halts. CUT TO
INT - PEEPSHOW BOOTH, FERN'S SIDE
FERN looks around, hesitant. Takes off her coat. Sits. CUT TO
INT - PEEPSHOW BOOTH, GUY'S SIDE - NIGHT
BOB and DAMON are seated in the booth, shooting the breeze. It is not evident that they are in fact part of the Peepshow. The camera starts out low, knees to elbows, and shows their respective activities: Damon is smoking and holding a small toy basketball. Bob is reading "Beyond Uhura", the Star Trek memoir of Nichelle Nichols. Boom up to two shot of BOB and DAMON. Hold for a beat, Damon takes a drag on the cigarette and begins speaking.
DAMON Man, I lost 50 bucks on the fucking Giants this weekend.
Damon tosses the ball to Bob, who turns to Damon and speaks,
BOB Well, you‚re a fucking moron. You're throwing your money away on the Giants. (Turns away from Damon, lines up shot with basketball.) They have no running game.
INT - PEEPSHOW BOOTH, CUSTOMER SIDE - NIGHT
FERN enters the booth and looks around. It is decorated with red fabric, a bowling captain's idea of fine furnishing. Vase of flowers, various toiletries on the shelf in front of the window. The panel behind the glass is closed, so she can see nothing beyond the glass. On the right side of the window is a selection panel and a small speaker. The panel is about 12"-18" high and 8"-12" wide. There are six buttons, one beneath the other. To the right are the descriptions "BEGINNER - $1", "INTERMEDIATE - $2", "DATE FANTASY - $5", "TAG TEAM FANTASY - $10", and simply "$50". Beneath the panel is a dollar bill slot. FERN is nervous, not sure about what she is doing, looks around before taking off her sunglasses and scarf. CUT TO
BOB and DAMON, from the side, about a 30 degree angle. DAMON is in focus in the foreground, lining up a shot with the toy basketball, cigarette hanging out of his mouth. As he aims, we see that a yellow light has lit up and is casting light on his face. He pauses, looks at the light. CUT TO
SIGNAL LIGHTS. The SIGNAL LIGHTS are positioned in the GUYS' SIDE of the booth so that the customer cannot see them. They are similar to FERN's lights. At the top is a red light with the words "BOOTH VACANT" next to it. Below the red light is a yellow light with the words "CUSTOMER IN BOOTH", and it is this yellow light which is currently lit. Below the yellow light is a series of green lights. The first one reads "BEGINNER", the next "INTERMEDIATE", the next "DATE FANTASY", "TAG TEAM FANTASY", "$50". CUT BACK TO
DAMON, still aiming the ball. He shoots. PULL FOCUS to BOB.
Time to go to work. Gimme a drag of that.
CUT TO the ball, circling around the rim, then falling in for a basket. CUT TO
BOB blows smoke, hands cigarette back to DAMON. DAMON then puts out the cigarette in an ashtray that is positioned so that someone looking from inside the customer booth cannot see it. DAMON picks up a small battery-powered fan and clears the air of cigarette smoke. BOB is buttoning his shirt, checking his teeth in a hand mirror. CUT TO
SIDE SHOT of FERN, fumbling through her WALLET. She puts a dollar in the lot and nervously pushes the "BEGINNER" button. She looks at the window as the curtain begins to go up. The lights on her side of the booth dim slightly. The camera begins curved dolly move from beside her into an OTS looking through the glass into the Guys' side. When the curtain is up and camera has stopped, we see BOB and DAMON, looking sharp, lighting having changed from when we saw them earlier. BOB and DAMON speak only to each other, not looking at FERN. Slow PUSH IN on the window as BOB and DAMON speak.
BOB So I said "Sweetheart, I‚m man enough to admit when I'm wrong – I'm lost, I don't know where we are." DAMON So what'd you do? BOB I did what she suggested. I stopped the car and asked for directions. DAMON And she was right, wasn't she?
BOB nods. A small warning light in FERN‚s side of the booth begins to flash.
You're lucky to have her.
On the third flash of the warning light, a buzz sounds and the curtain closes.
CUT TO side view of FERN, immediately begin to DOLLY across the wall separating her from the guys.
Oh, this is good.
FERN digs in her wallet for more money. The wall wipes the frame and we see BOB and DAMON beginning to sit back down.
DAMON Yeah, like that'd fucking happen. BOB My wife needs directions to find the fucking kitchen.
FERN, retrieving more money. She puts in two dollars and selects "INTERMEDIATE". We stay with Fern's POV as the curtain goes up.
DAMON So I said "Honey, we don't have to watch the Super-bowl. Let's rent Enchanted April again." BOB Oh, that's a beautiful picture.
CUT TO warning light begins to flash in FERN's booth. CUT TO BOB and DAMON's side of the booth.
I feel so much closer to her -
BEEP! The curtain closes. Still standing,
Enchanted April? Isn't that a porno?
You're thinking Enchanted April Showers.
She looks at the selection menu, and, emboldened, selects "DATE FANTASY - $5 ". Her anticipation building, she puts the five in the slot. CUT TO
BOB and DAMON standing, FERN's POV. BOB speaks directly to FERN.
Hi. What's your name?
CUT TO MCU of FERN, eagerly watching.
CUT BACK TO BOB and DAMON, FROM FERN'S POV.
So I called Fern on Monday to ask her out for Saturday.
Where'd you take her?
BOB Well, first I cooked her dinner at home, and then, well, you know how she loves to go dancing.
But you hate dancing.
Well, I've been taking lessons for Fern.
So afterwards, did you take her home?
Oh, yeah, it was great...we just cuddled all night.
Lighting cue changes again. Soft, romantic. Fireplace gag?
Spooning? (FERN moans.) I love that.
BOB I can't sleep unless I hold her close. And she's got these beautiful Laura Ashley sheets, it‚s like sleeping in a country garden.
FERN reacts. Warning light begins to flash.
And the next morning---
BEEP, the curtain closes. CUT TO
FERN Oh no! Don‚t stop now. I don't think I have any more...
FERN searches desperately in her purse. CUT TO
BOB and DAMON, sitting.
Oh, man, we got her with that spooning thing.
I'd rather gnaw my own arm off.
CUT TO FERN finds a ten dollar bill and stuffs it in the panel. CUT TO
BOB and DAMON standing. Bob is holding a fireman's helmet. A siren, low, can be heard, and flashing red lights are in the room. Smoke billows.
BOB Well Fern, I just saved your cat from this burning blaze, and now it's your turn to be rescued...
CUT TO FERN reacts. The men slap five and switch positions as Fern regains her composure. CUT BACK TO
BOB & DAMON, flashing lights are gone, smoke is almost gone, no siren, no fireman's helmet. DAMON puts on a delivery hat and is holding a dozen roses. Brighter light; birds chirp.
Delivery for Fern...
DAMON It looks like a dozen long-stem roses. There's no card... OK, they're from me. No reason; just thinking about you.
FERN squeals with pleasure.
Tell us what you want, Fern.
OOHHH! Tell me you like my mother.
Like her? I want her to live with us!
FERN Oh, yes. Take me out somewhere special for a change! DAMON Two tickets. Front Row Center. Michael Bolton.
BOB and DAMON launch into a series of ad-libbed remarks, the pacing going faster and faster, FERN getting more and more excited as the pace increases.
BOB I made reservations at this great Bed & Breakfast.
It's a gift certificate to Bath & Bodyworks.
Let's take a ceramics class.
Let's go Shoe Shopping!
BOB Don't move! In that light, you look just like Audrey Hepburn!
Stay in bed! I baked us some croissants!
You look even better without makeup!
I sold my Nintendo...and I bought you a sundress.
I bought you a teddy bear!
I don't deserve you!
How did I get so lucky?!
Let's go wine tasting!
I want to French Braid your hair!
I wish I could carry our child!
I'd love to go to your niece's christening!
You look even better without makeup!
I want to take your last name!
Did you find the note I put in your lunch?
I wrote you a sonnet!
Can I wash your hair?
Can I...wash your hair?
Tell me more about your childhood!
I'm really ready to commit!
I'm really ready... to commit!
Fern's warning light begins to flash. BEEP! Curtain closes and the men sit.
Don't stop!!! I'm almost there. Oh, no!
FERN frantically scrambles through her purse, finds nothing. Then she has an idea, thinks for a moment, and pulls a small folded envelope from within her wallet. It says "Emergency Money" on it. She opens the envelope, hesitates for a moment, then pulls the fifty from inside, tosses the envelope away and jams the bill in the machine. CUT TO
The SIGNAL LIGHTS. The bottom green light is lit. It simply reads "$50". BEEP, the men stand.
Let's bring it on home.
Come on... give it to me!
The men look at each other, tension building. The cutting gets faster, the music accenting the mounting tension. CUT TO Fern, worked into a frenzy, then back to Bob and Damon.
Fern is on the brink...
Give it to me!
Fern's warning light begins to flash. She squeals.
Fern? (All music stops.) Have you lost weight?
A silent beat on FERN, her mouth open, her face - is it pain or pleasure? She can't vocalize for a moment, then finally... FERN wails orgasmically.
to the top of the page